You Will Be Impaled

When Chicago Cubs rookie Tyler Colvin was recently impaled by a broken bat, the metaphor was priceless: once again, a freak occurrence had rendered a Cubbie breathless. Whether it be the Mets in '69, Steve Garvey in '84, Steve Bartman in '03, or the heartless '07 - '08 playoff farts, Cub fans have been stabbed more times than a brazen gringo in Tijuana. So when the promising rookie Colvin was symbolically "on his way home," running dutifully down the 3rd base path, it was only Cubs tradition that some unprecedented fate would tragically interrupt.

As Colvin was escorted off the field by a trainer, one could see the scared and startled look unfold upon his face, and his mouth utter the words, "I think I'm bleeding."

Tyler, welcome to the family.

In 2008, after the Cubs were swept from the playoffs for the second consecutive year, I scribed a letter of resignation to my die-hard brethren and never looked back. Since that diatribe, I have refused to visit Wrigley Field, not even for The Police concert. Earlier this summer, on the 4th of July, I had just purchased a new BBQ and decided to turn on a Cubs versus Cardinals game for patriotic effect because I wanted to flip cattle like an American. Even though the BBQ is likely to have exploded because Jewish men generally do not have a proclivity for gas lines, I remain convinced that those burgers were cursed by the glow of the telecast. Holy Cow!

Nevertheless, I have stayed away. Even though I miss watching baseball and take a lot of crap from my friends, my life is probably better without the Cubs. No longer am I burdened by bad base running, worse bullpens, and runners left on base. No longer do I stew amidst the stupid signings and paltry professionalism, nor sweat the irony of a Toyota sign hovering above a left fielder whose brakes work perfectly well when running towards the wall. Instead, I walk freely and breathe easy, almost as if I've gone "Commando" on the Cubs -- awkward at first, but liberating once you've adjusted (and no more balls getting stuck in the ivy).

Certainly, should the Cubs return to the playoffs or flirt with a World Series title, my resolve will be tested. Perhaps by that time I will have a sports watching son.

I wonder if I would protect him?

I'd hate for him to spend his life always waiting around for next year.