There's Not an App for That

Technology, are you my friend?

There's really nobody quite like you, the way you are always improving and impoverishing my life. The other day, for example, with your fancy 3-D ultrasounds, you treated me to the miracle of my wife's belly as if James Cameron had updated "Look Who's Talking." But then the other night, I read an article that your cell phone radiation may be turning my swimmers into a Michael Phelps bong-circle. Really, technology? Is it possible (given the way previous generations so innocently remember the unknown risk of cigarettes), that with pervasive cell phone usage we are in the mindless midst of history's next rhyme?

I recognize that you are probably a net plus for civilization, considering all of your good citizenship towards science and industry, health and education, and, well, basically everything under the sun. I specifically admire the way you've watered these grassroots movements throughout the Middle East, or how you've allowed couch potatoes to empathize $10 via texts to Haiti and Japan. Your consumer products, too, I must say, these are some marvelous achievements -- anytime you're hanging at Stevie Jobs' house, I'm down for a sleepover.

And I guess that's part of what I'm trying to tell you, technology -- you have got to stop cruising with the wrong crowd. Like your buddies at BayerAG, for instance, the agrichemical company that produces the insecticides used on food crops. Scientists now believe that this innovative formula is public enemy number one in the disappearing bee phenomenon. Surely you know that another scientist (named Einstein) once said that "If bees disappear from the earth, then man will only have four years to live." Oops! And how about that adorable little cyber threat of yours, my gosh! Did you hear that when national security insiders are asked what most keeps them up at night, the answer is almost invariably the large scale cyber attack which cripples (further cripples, I should say, the poor things) our infrastructure and banking systems?

Have fun cleaning that one up.

But no worries, technology, I'm not hating on you -- I understand that you're an equal opportunist by nature. I just wish that you would give some of this stuff a little more thought moving forward -- I mean, the industrial revolution was really cool, but now Al Gore is too. Facebook and texting allow us to be social animals, yet sustained eye contact is climbing up the endangered species list. I know, I know, I know -- this is how you roll: for every strength, a weakness; for every convenience, a consequence. But please, if you can help it, don't be such a whore. If you won't start taking some responsibility for yourself, one can only hope that we humans will more often do the right thing by you, or even know what the right thing is ...

And there's definitely not an app for that.